The grace of aging

I have a memory of an incredible day in the sixth grade when our school choir traveled to a local nursing home to perform some patriotic songs to some residents there. Three of us were dance students and had prepared a tap routine wearing red white and blue costumes. We were in the middle of a song and as I was executing the rehearsed dance steps with confidence, I faltered momentarily as I caught a glimpse of a beautiful elderly woman in a wheelchair, with flowing long white hair and wearing a white nightgown with a high lacy neck. I hesitated in my performance because this woman was openly sobbing as she watched, huge alligator tears flowing down her face. Glancing around uncomfortably, I noticed several other spectators in the room were also tearful and emotional, including some of the men. 

I did not understand. Why were they in such anguish? We traveled there to make them happy, not to make them cry and feel sad. My eleven year old mind was in complete bewilderment.

We finished our performance and topped it off with a bow, exiting single file past the still emotional elders. I felt so confused. On the way out I stopped one of the facility caretakers and asked, "Why are they crying? We wanted to make them happy!" She replied, "You DID make them happy!"  In response to my puzzled look, she explained that many of these individuals were experiencing memories of times past and their loved ones that they miss, and when they saw our performance it may have reminded them of their children, or other aspects of their lives that made them feel emotional. Their crying was not an expression of sadness, but of deep and enduring love. Our performance was stimulating to them in a very positive, healthy way that was good for them, and it touched their hearts even though they didn't know us personally. 

Thinking about this on the way home from the field trip, I realized it was a healthy, positive experience for me too. I kept thinking about the lady with long white hair. I noticed a rewarding feeling that came from having helped her, and the others, reconnect with lost feelings and experience memories of those they love, and to remember that their lives held value and many wonderful relationships. The memory of this day helped to shape my future since my life's work involves keeping older people connected with life through better hearing. Each person that I meet has a unique story and it thrills me to know about the things they have done during their lives. These stories hold irreplaceable value, because once someone is no longer with us, the stories are no longer available. I love paying these stories (anonymously) forward to others because of the knowledge and insight contained in them. In the isolation of today's technological world, I believe knowing stories of others can keep humanity in touch with reality and prevent atrophy of our ability to relate to each other on a basic psychosocial level. 

One of my patients this week remembers when gasoline was 13 cents a gallon, and when farming equipment was horse-drawn. He stated, "My father used to say the newer equipment would be less effective than the old fashioned horse-drawn." His son-in-law asked him, "Well was he right??" To which he replied, "Well NO, he wasn't!!! The problem is the expense of it....nowadays if you have the money to farm, you don't really NEED to farm..." He talked about how he just sold his 100 acre farm to someone who wanted to "rent" it out to farmers..I found myself hoping that was the truth and that it wasn't actually being "farmed out" to housing developers and Walmarts. 

Another of my patients is a holocaust survivor who was reunited with his long-lost cousin for the first time in 65 years, because the family was separated fleeing the country. They were reunited on Facebook. Another patient was a German immigrant who met her husband at 18, an American soldier and traveled to the states to get married after knowing him for only 2 weeks. She did not speak any English at the time. Yet another patient lived to be 103 years old, and that year married a woman 27 years his junior. It was the second marriage for both of them, and he explained to me that even though they would both be buried beside their first spouses, they had met in church where they caught the "love bug" for each other. 

I have lost enough of my older relatives at this point in my life, to realize what is important about these relationships and what we can learn from them, including the peace and serenity that can be gained by interacting with them. The reciprocity is immeasurable since the benefit to the older person is evident as well. It is not surprising to hear about the latest findings that treating hearing loss early may have a direct impact on preventing dementia and other cognitive neuro-degeneration. We NEED interaction with others to survive. 

As I drive out of the office parking lot on certain days, I often see one of the upstairs nursing home residents outside talking to the statues of children playing that are stationed outside a park gazebo on the lawn. She lovingly brushes their hair, "fixes" their jackets, and kisses their heads. It reminds me of how much I would be willing give to have another conversation with my grandmother, my grandfather, or any of my greats. It reminds me to take advantage of the time granted to be with these individuals. Maybe the next time I see the woman with the statues, I will stop and ask her to sit in the gazebo with me, and tell me a story about her children.