Only a power greater than..

Red River Gorge September 2011

Once upon a time when I was a full time working mother of two-under-two, I had a beautiful 50 mile commute to work each day in the Buffalo Trace region of Kentucky.  One evening after I had worked late, I picked up my 5 month old and 19 month old from the sitter, loaded them safely into their carseats, and began driving. Shortly across the county line, I glanced to my left and saw a spider crawling near my window. If you don't know me well...I had debilitating arachnophobia. I don't know why I didn't just pull over, perhaps it was the traffic behind me or the speed limit I was in. I began rolling the window down in the hopes of evacuating the offending creature, however in my lack of attention to the road I failed to notice a curve. As I turned my attention back to the dash, I realized my car was no longer in contact with the ground! I had driven off-road and was completely airborne.

As my car took a nosedive, for a moment I could see nothing but sky. I had no idea where my car was headed or how far down...this particular area was known for its steep, ravine like inclines of the side of the road. Everything went completely silent. I was certain it was the end. In that moment, I suddenly felt as though everything stopped, and the distinct impression that a question was being asked of me. My first thought was, "I'm not done." Rather than my life flashing before my eyes, as the old saying goes, it was instead that all the things I still wanted to do with my life flashed before my eyes. I felt a sense of desperate insistence.

The next thing I knew, we had turned a double somersault down the hill and landed right side up against a tree growing out of the hill, stopping us about halfway down. There was a rushing creek at the bottom. Sitting in the driver's seat totally disoriented, it took a moment to realize I was still alive and relatively unscathed. There was shattered glass in my hair, in my mouth. I felt a sort of heavy presence to my left, and my window was still down. I looked over and saw leaves, heard the sounds of nature outside the car. The heavy presence dissipated. At this point I became terrified because there were no sounds coming from the backseat. I turned slowly and saw my shocked 19 month old beginning to cry, but I was not yet relieved because my 5 month old was in a rear-facing seat. I climbed up in my seat and leaned over expecting the worst...but she was wide-eyed looking around with nothing more than a bump on her head. I was incredulous that everyone was fine and that we had been given this miraculous second chance.

This event has become a pivotal moment in my life's history, of realizing that not everything is under my control. I made a vow that I would be true to myself and my children, and make every single possible effort to be of service in making a contribution to mankind. I made a vow that I would relish and appreciate each small joy that life has to offer.  And I made a vow to never sacrifice, compromise, ignore, or neglect my spirituality.

After growing up in a family that had the problem of alcoholism, I had spent the majority of my young adult life being "spiritually impaired."  Although I had a tremendous appreciation for the concept, my self confidence was so low that I actually felt unworthy of experiencing such a thing. Like it was something that didn't apply to me or excluded me somehow. I didn't feel capable of tapping into any kind of higher consciousness and had very little understanding of the numerous ways to practice spirituality.  For years I snidely turned my nose up at ideas of a higher power, even pretentiously calling myself an atheist at one point. I was looking at life through dark shades and was surrounded by constant chaos. Becoming a mother initiated a spiritual process in me that, ironically enough, was then largely facilitated and propelled by my scenic drive to and from work, which I looked forward to daily.

After my accident, I realized I wanted conscious contact and a relationship with a higher power, whatever it may be.  Exploring this idea I began to feel more of a connection to life and to the universe, realizing my life had purpose, and this gave me direction and motivation to make a difference. Whether it is helping someone hear better so they may enjoy a higher quality of life and interaction with their loved ones, if it is inspiring students of higher learning to do the same, and to achieve their dreams by becoming more self actualized, if it is being a good comrade and offering friendship and emotional support to others, or if it is simply being a good mother and raising children who will also in turn, grow up to make a difference in the world and experience a rich, fulfilling future. I now have the ability to leave chaos behind, and stop focusing on what alcoholism has stolen from my life. I came to realize that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

I would love to hear about experiences of others that have brought them into conscious contact with a higher power.