How to Forgive

When you have been hurt in some way by another person, it is useless to pursue healing by any avenue other than from within. The first step toward gaining an understanding of what has happened is to remove all subjective thinking. Human behavior is rarely personal, but more frequently the result of conditioning.  A person's prior experiences can lead to judgement errors and preconceived notions.  A breakdown in communication occurs due to erroneous assumptions based on the irrelevant past. By gaining an understanding of the true source of a person's behaviors and why they manifest, you are making progress toward a healthy perspective. When you are able to stop personalizing the behavior of another toward you or your loved one, you can place the problem in its true perspective, and the responsibility for the problem with its true owner. The next step is to examine your responses and make an accurate and objective determination as to your contribution to the problem. Did you fail to communicate? Did you perpetuate a negative cycle? Did you accept unacceptable behavior and allow expectations to develop? Did you act out in an aggressive or passive aggressive manner? Did you perceive something as being personal or more negative than intended? Become willing to acknowledge and take ownership for your role in the matter. Now, once you have identified which part of the problem belongs to you, and which part of the problem lies elsewhere, you must accept that you have no control over the other person's part of the problem. Upon the realization that you are not responsible for correcting the entire problem single-handedly, and that the responses of others originate within them and not because of you, you will experience a great deal of relief. No one can change the behavior of another person. But, we do have the choice to change our own behavior and thinking. Once you are removed from the painful situation, it is time to evaluate how your experiences led you to make the choices that put you there in the first place. If at this point you are still unable to forgive, then just work on forgiving yourself. Self-forgiveness is a major hurdle in the journey to forgiving others. Learn to stop criticizing yourself for having negative feelings or poor responses. Allow yourself to experience those painful feelings, acknowledge them, and then, let them go.  This is a very important step toward being ready to make amends. Always remember that making amends does not mean that you are releasing responsibility of the other party or accepting the hurtful actions. And it certainly does not mean allowing it to happen again. It simply means that you are willing to allow the burden of this weight to be lifted from your shoulders, and experience new life and enlightenment, free of concern from a prior hurt. Make the decision now, to have the courage to change the things you can.